exhausted.

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the hardest thing for me to do is formulate decisions on a complicated and important life issues.

Have you ever witnessed someone being so condescending to another human being that its made you want to cry?

What makes people so mean?

Do you feel bigger now?

Better now?

People like that with power make me worry because of how quickly it seems to dehumanize them.

Do you feel special and good because you can control someone without question?

This is unbearable; I won’t tolerate it.

You seem to think I’m so lighthearted but I can never make you laugh.

official resolutions i have engaged in:

• more listening
• more questions
• more honesty

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(nobody ever told me learning to let go of things could be so hard)

I am happy I’m here though.

for the sake of continuity and tradition.

lets be honest this year was not the best for me;

• it began with someone i care for dying and ended with watching the last parts of my childhood die away as well.
• i suffered miserably through the worst semester of my academic career.
• also one of the most life changing.
• i pulled out of it to have one of the best summers of my life.
• i tried desperately to not let myself fall again.
• in the spring i got the lowest grades i’d ever received in college but i also won a prestigious national scholarship that i still can’t fathom really happened.
• over the summer i did an internship for another national scholarship and accomplished so many things.
• i still smile thinking of all the poems i wrote during those months, how many kids i helped, how many times i smiled, all my academic achievements made, all my new friends made.
• in the fall i kept my head above water, i made time for myself and my feelings. i tried really hard for happiness (not joy).
• i’m still not there yet but i know its possible.
• i have to say i am so happy with the person i am becoming and trying to be, someone who trusts her heart, and her mind,and her value.
• i have no idea whats going to happen next year, no solutions, no answers, no prescriptions or premonitions. but i’m going to see it though, with the people i love and hold dear and the things that bring me peace and joy and completeness.

happy new year tumblr and lovely friends.

on the cusp.

just barely a taurus

she feels her aries mother trickling through her veins

on the cusp

of a meltdown

the hairstylist tells her curiously

“you are two of a kind,

an intricate blend”

and i can tell where the lines part

i can see

right in the navel of your third eye

and i can see where the mountain kissed your forehead

and left a mark on your mind

and i can see where the moon stroked your cheek

and left her radiance in your skin

“and i can see you on the cusp,”

the mother bird crooned into her ear

“of something ever bigger,

                          ever

                                bigger.”

all embracing in the porch light of the congregation home

embracing just to behold

the warmth of each others bodies

holding tight, just to behold

the gentle thudding of your neighbors heart

sighing heavily in unison, just to behold

their breath

and know they are living too

        they are breathing too (and maybe well)

and letting go, just to be hold

the light in their eyes

though it may flicker

on the cusp

as they are set free

boys:

• the bison called out one of our favorite bands on cultural appropriation and its safe to say i once again love something i cannot have.
• i’m learning a lot about the bird and it seems every time i do it fades until some mystery return to his eye and wings. i love all the sides of him i do not know. what do i want to see in them - the shadows i can’t decipher?
• how pathetic (does that bullet point sound)?
• sometimes i forget that for every quiet bird there is one with colors that bleed into the clouds, loud calls, and sky dances.
• whatever, whatever. i travel in circles with consciousness and do not learn.
• this has been a ramble.

i dont want dream if your lips

every time you say i love you

i dont want to dream of your mouth

as it forms around my name

with a hint of nostalgia

i dont want to

i dont want to